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With a daughter in her residency, I have been attuned more to the lives impacted on both sides of healthcare. Our lives are a constant shifting of uncertainty in which we try to exert control, with mixed success. I think when it comes to our own health we wrestle with this most when our sense of urgency runs into a wall of scarcity. I think it’s felt no stronger than in an ER, on a weekend, in a big city. This thought led me to search myself for that feeling and express it through writing… here is my subtle attempt:

I feel the wait of the room
heaviness, fluorescent buzz, pressing on me
the timekeeper hangs upon the wall
telling me, asking, then begging
adding weight
increasing wait
what name they’ll give this shadow in my chest,

The walls, taped signs, and scuffed baseboards
ebbing, flowing, closing in
doors swing open, then swing closed
the people come and go
lab coats and clipboards,
sweaty palms, time sifting like grains of sand

Then the truer thought that I’ve held back
that timekeeper on the wall
is it counting time that’s passed
or time left in my soul?